Pageant News Bureau - Miss Universe 2001, Gender Controversy

Photo courtesy of Miss Universe Organization

The world was transfixed recently by gossip that Elodie Gossuin, Miss France 2001, was actually a man. Experts dismissed the report, and cynics speculated that it was all a gimmick to promote the Miss Universe Pageant.

Shrugging off such superficial explanations, we at PNB sought to find the real truth. We were about to conclude that it was all a "petite plot" to discredit a tall beauty queen.

Then an extraordinary letter arrived in the mail. If true, its contents will rock the pageant world to its foundations. We have no way of determining whether it is true. But in the spirit of reckless conjecture, we are reprinting its contents:

Dear PNB,
Please publish this letter anonymously, for the sake of my insurance rates. My life won't be worth a penny if I'm exposed. If you recognize my name, you are aware that I am a celebrity, and you know what celebrity stalkers can be like.
I laughed when the newspapers said Miss France was a man. I thought it was a hoax, a gag, a really sick fantasy. But I had to lay my doubts to rest. Don't ask me how, but through extraordinary means, I have determined the gender of every contestant in this year's Miss Universe Pageant. And what I found left me shaken. They are all men.
All men. Not a woman in the bunch.
This was the genius of the conspiracy. One man among a multitude of women would quickly be exposed. Two men, or three, would soon be found out. But when they are all men -- protecting each other, covering for each other, pretending to be beautiful, voluptuous women -- a whole planet can be gulled into believing their story.
And if we swallowed this deception, who knows how often we have been fooled? How many of the beautiful women we meet every day are really men? How about our mothers, our sisters, our wives?
This conspiracy could reach back very far. Perhaps Cleopatra was really a man, wearing lots of eye shadow. Perhaps Marie Antoinette was no lady. (That "cake" remark doesn't sound very feminine to me.) And what about Marilyn Monroe? Who honestly believes she was a woman? All I know is, Joe DiMaggio didn't stick around very long.
I intend to find out everything. If it takes all my money, if it takes a whole afternoon of research, I will know the truth. Here's my warning to every beauty queen in the world. You'd better be a woman, baby.

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