Pageant News Bureau - Miss Massachusetts 2005

Kristin Gauvin's planet

Photos by Joe Whiteko / PNB

This is the third of three special astrological features for the months of September and October 2005. It commemorates 10 years since the founding of PNB, and 84 years since the founding of the Miss America Pageant. Both institutions came into being when Venus lay in the House of Neptune, and the sun was circling warily.

"Star Trek"? "Star Wars"? They have their charms. But we prefer the classic space movies: "Flash Gordon" and "Abbott and Costello Go to Mars."

The scientific principles that underlie these films are very complex, but they can be simplified for our readers into three basic laws of interplanetary travel. Law No. 1: If your rocket can break free of the Earth's atmosphere, it will eventually reach a planet full of women. Law No. 2: The women will be stunningly beautiful. Law No. 3: They will not be wearing many clothes.

We didn't create these scientific laws, but we certainly support them. If we had to choose between them and gravity, it would be a tough call.

Under the hypnotic gaze of outgoing queen Erika Ebbel, contestant Kristin Gauvin speaks at the Miss Massachusetts Pageant.

The Miss Massachusetts Pageant in the summer of 2005 was like a "Flash Gordon" movie come to life. Women in earth costumes, women in space costumes. Lights flashing. The sets had the "Planet Mongo" look we love so well. And like the women of Mongo, the contestants onstage had the power to control our minds. From now on, we may not be responsible for what we say. Call us irresponsible.

We can say that a former PNB cover girl was crowned that night, and that she received the crown from another former PNB cover girl. Like matter being converted to energy, or energy being converted to matter, there was a change but nothing was lost.

The new Miss Massachusetts is Kristin Gauvin, former captain of the New England Patriots Cheerleaders. Captain. The same rank as Kirk. She also won the preliminary swimsuit, interview and talent awards.

The woman who handed over the crown was Erika Ebbel. When she and Ms. Gauvin stood together on the stage, you could feel the energy. Was it static electricity? Some force beyond our feeble civilization? Or was it just the power of Kristin?

As Costello told the Queen of Venus, "We have liftoff."

See also Ohio, Alabama

With Audra Paquette (left) and Julie Robenhymer

Audra Paquette, Miss New Hampshire (left) and Julie Robenhymer, Miss New Jersey (right) flank Kristin Gauvin.